The New Year approaches! And with that, so too does my “I’m a real Midwife!” one year anniversary. First of all, I cannot believe how fast this year has flown by. When I started I could not even begin to imagine how I might feel one year on. I had so many hopes and fears. I hoped that time would bring greater confidence, resilience, knowledge and faith in myself. I hoped I would eventually feel that I “fit in” and would feel part of a team. I hoped I would have a positive impact in my work and above all, I hoped I would be a good Midwife.
I didn’t start off on the best foot. I had a rocky ride leading up to qualifying and ended up relocating rather quickly and unexpectedly as my relationship of 8 years broke down. Moving away from Manchester I left behind a relationship, a house, a job offer and friends. Blackpool was a completely fresh start for me, chosen because it was close to family. I hadn’t left Manchester with much. My financial situation was dire, as it is for anyone who’s been a student for any length of time and I was at a personal low point, but qualifying as a Midwife was my biggest achievement to date and I knew that my first job would be the doorway to whatever my independent future may hold. It was kind of a huge deal.
I wanted my job at Blackpool hospital SO much so that I completely crumbled under the pressure at interview. I had applied late given my rapid change in circumstances and was warned that it was unlikely I’d even be offered an interview. I desperately applied through a band 6 post (one higher than my newly qualified self), but against the odds I was invited to interview. It was a dreadful blur. I don’t remember the details but I knew for certain that I’d messed up, however, by some great miracle they saw something in me and gave me a chance (Thank you so much Carol and Moira!). I was offered a 12 month contract, which did initially play on my mind, but, I was ecstatic to be offered my dream job, permanent or not.
When I started I was nervous and worried that I might not live up to the role of dun-dun-dun! “The Qualified Midwife”. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, when I know that it was unrealistic. No one wants to make mistakes, but no one starts out knowing it all. I felt like a fish out of water at first. The policies and procedures, the paperwork and the culture all differed to where I’d spent three years training and on top of that I was now expected to do it alone. Initially I buddied up with another Midwife in a period called “supernumery”, to support me in my transition from student to Midwife, and from my training trust, to Blackpool. This is standard practice for new staff across the board, however, enforcement of this is notorious for falling short due to staffing issues. I count myself lucky in that I feel I did get a good supernumery period. There were occasions where I had to get on with things on my own because it was just too busy, but I never felt entirely alone/ unsupported. Maternity staff in their entirety where so welcoming and understanding which made the initial transition less daunting than I imagined it would be.
Left to my own devices I had a few “oops” moments, as expected. Sparing the details, I will never live down the infamous case of “the keys”. I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made along the way and will continue to do so, as we all do. None have been detrimental (touch wood) but I do burden myself with the idea that there are mistakes that cannot be made in my job. I’ve had more sleepless nights than I’d dare to count considering “what ifs” and worrying about something I might have missed. I’ve made phone calls to work in the middle of the night where things have popped into my head that I’ve worried I didn’t mention at handover. As tough as it is to switch off, I know that it’s only because I truly care, and in that sense, I have confidence in the quality of the care that I provide, because I am deeply conscientious. A year on, these worries remain and probably will do for the entirety of my career, but I know that I would rather worry too much than not at all. I have also accepted that I will never know it all, and that’s one of the great joys of the job. It really is a never ending opportunity to learn and grow.
This year I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Soon after starting I overheard midwives discussing what I would be best suited to doing on a particular shift and the answer appeared to be, nothing. Noticing I’d overhead this conversation one of the midwives approached me and apologised, explaining that there was no ideal circumstance for me to be put in, because women were either too high risk or were being discharged, of which I had no experience at this stage. I did feel useless, but I accepted the justification for the comments made and pushed forward, doing my best in what I was asked to do. I struggled to accept that I was bringing enough to the table when I knew I was the least experienced. As time has passed and my experience and confidence has grown, I’ve felt increasingly valued and no longer compare myself to others with more years behind them. A year on I feel an equal, valued member of the team.
Another hurdle I’ve struggled with this year is time pressure. I was initially very slow. I took a long time to finish the seemingly endless paperwork because it was unfamiliar. Before I did anything I would think it through over and over to ensure that I was justified in my decision, because again, I was unfamiliar with policies and procedures. I found that some of my colleagues were more understanding/ tolerant of the pace of my work when I started than others. I recognised in myself that I was slow and actively sought to address the issue and improve my efficiency. In a fast paced environment as a delivery suite can be, with limited beds and staff, I knew that it was important to be efficient whilst also being careful not to sacrifice the quality of care provided. Naturally, with practice and repetition my time management greatly improved, but I still do battle with a desire to do absolutely everything I can for a woman and her baby, yet ensure that I am efficient with my time. I find that my worst days are those where I feel I have no time to do my job. When I am unable to spend time supporting women because I am so stretched. I know that this would be rectified by better staffing levels as my time would be spread less thinly across the women and babies in my care, although with funding cuts for training and general NHS budget constriction I fear that this is a hopeless quest. I just vow to myself never to let the pressure of time impact upon the quality of the care I give when it is within my control.
Despite the hurdles, one year in I know for certain that this is what I was meant to do. I cannot imagine doing anything else or loving anything as much as I love supporting women. I know that my opinion on my career choice will come into question again and again over time as I have good and bad days, but I hope that I continue to recognise that the good far outweighs the bad. One year on I definitely feel part of the family, as both a Blackpool Midwife, and also just as; me and who I am beyond midwifery which is a wonderful milestone to reach. I’ve also been assured that they won’t be letting me go come the end of my 12 months, so that’s a relief!
Even a year on I am still in awe of the fact that I’m actually a Midwife. I find myself reflecting and continue to feel pretty bad ass. It is the most amazing feeling to support a woman and her family whether it be through to the birth of their child, or establishing breastfeeding or guiding them on how to change nappies. To experience that special bond, and see the look of sincere appreciation for the work that I do is what keeps me coming back every day.
So there it is! My first year. I’ve definitely learned more than I could ever have imagined and am entering year two as a much stronger, more knowledgeable, more confident and passionate Midwife. Bring on the next! Thank you to everyone who’s supported me through this challenging transition, especially the BVH maternity staff. You’re all incredible ❤
For those of you out there who are approaching day 1, or are working your way through your first year, I hope that you’ve read something you can relate to. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to run before you can walk. Absorb every piece of advise/ knowledge you can grasp and keep pushing forward. With each day comes new challenges and experiences and it’s all of those little moments added together which have you looking back and realising just how far you’ve come. We have ALL been there. Every Midwife faced their first day once. We’re all in this together!
Have a wonderful 2018 everyone ❤
Chelsey Turner 